That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bring me that man meat
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
