what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
