I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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