I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize