Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
