I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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