and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
