Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
