Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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