weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
