I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
