what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
