So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
