You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
