Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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