Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
