dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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