everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
