My brain says no but my pants say off.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
