Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
