i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
