I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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