Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
