I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
