so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
