she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
