I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
