I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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