opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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