Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
