We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
