I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
