She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
