I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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