Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
