When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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