it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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