I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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