just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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