i used baking grease as lip gloss
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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