okay pat passed out under dana's car
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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