It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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