I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
