You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
