I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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