yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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