Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Two words: blizzard sex
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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