Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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