well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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