My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
