She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
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They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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