Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
