Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
