I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
