Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
