my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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