she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
