I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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