Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
