My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
did i just pee glitter
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
