1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
