If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
