the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it because I queefed?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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