I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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