I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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